I do not know and clearly understand what mind-set I am currently in.
I am currently stressed because I know that college is about to begin again, and once it does, I no longer have a life. I still have many goals for the summer, and I am trying to cram them in at the last minute. I would like to finish reading at least three books, finish my painting, and start studying for my classes before class begins. I just bought my shcool books and they cost $450.oo. That is increditably expensive. I also have to start making flyers and prepare for my coming out meeting. I am hoping for a good attendence this year. I would like a social life and time to relax, but I know I won't have it.
In order to get the most done before the end of summer, I have agreed to work grave shift, starting Aug. 10th, until the beginning of school. This way, the time I am at work can be spent doing something productive.
I hate to admit the fact that I want a companion. It has been too long since I have felt attracted to another, and I fear that I have lost all of my hope in finding love. It is true that I have developed some infatuations this summer, but they were only one-sided and I never felt a true attraction. I painfully admit that I put a profile on connexion.org. I do not surround myself with gay men on a daily basis, and therefore, I have little chance of finding a connection.
Hoping for something to come out of connexion.org has probably just weakend my self-esteem. I usually have very high and indestructible self-esteem, where I am the only person who can break it down. I have been doing so lately, because I have said hello to probably 10 people, who I assume have depth and compassion, yet I havn't gotten a single response. I have questioned whether or not I am an attractive person, and I have questioned who I am. I shouldn't have to.
I hope that somebody comes along, who realizes that I am more than just a body and a face, and I hope that they give me the opportunity to show them how great of a person I can be. My age shouldn't be a factor, but I can not wait until I turn 20 in four months. Once that two is in front of my age, I feel like I can finally be associated with men who are older and more mature. My age will become less significant.
8:56 AM
