Before I start this blog, I would like to clearly define my definition of "infatuation." I use it with a different connotation than it was intended.
When I use the term infatuation, I desire to understand and get to know another individual. I use the term "infatuation" because it is an irrational desire. The primary denotation of the word means a great, often temporary, and irrational passion for somebody or something. I do not confuse infatuation with lust.
My primary interest in another individual is their heart. Their heart clearly defines their passion, and passion clearly defines an individual.
I find it difficult to find individuals who have well developed hearts. I do not make a point to look, and I live my day actively, where I hope to be in the presence of such individuals. I have a very monogamist heart, which can't withstand the dissappointment of casual dating. Until I find such an individual, I claim celibacy which helps clear my mind of lust.
I develop an infatuation every six months to a year, and most are short lived. There is usually some circumstance that stands in the way from pursuing a connection.
My most recent infatuaion is with a guy named Nick. Nick and I volunteered the entire day of pride, 2006, and we were in eachothers presence for most of the day. I felt a mutual attaction between the two of us, and both he and I desired to be close to one another. Certain occurances throughout the day helped me assume the mutual attraction, but I may be wrong.
The one circumstance that prohibits a further connection is his boyfriend. Nick has had a long-term relationship for three years or more. Normally, I would ignore the developement of an infatuation with a taken man, but the infatuation was able to pry itself out of my subconscious, and I became aware that I liked him.
I find the infatuation annoying because it is the desire to know and understand a man in which I will never have an opportunity. I would prefer to not have such an infatuation, yet I can't supress it.
I like Nick for several reasons, but primarily due to his heart. Nick grew up as a "mormon boy" and thus has humanitarian tendencies. He enjoys volunteering, and he is intersted in politics. My assumption is that he also has a strong desire to keep learning. His passion is what developed my infatuation, not his aesthetic characteristics. Nick is very attractive, but I do not desire him for his appeal. I desire to know him for his big heart.
I have also met his boyfriend. Nick's boyfriend seems like a nice guy, but in my opinion, he lacks heart. He is working on an MBA, which I believe has no philantropic value, and I have heard some stories from a close (and very creditable) friend about their relationship.
I have heard rumors that Nick and his boyfriend have an open relationship and participate in web-camming. I try my best to never judge an individual, and if such rumors are true, they mean little to me. All that does matter is that person's heart. I assume that Nick's boyfriend manipulated Nick into compromising his values. I assume Nick used to be a conservative mormon boy before he met his boyfriend, and beside compromising Nick's values, I assume Nick's boyfriend doesn't treat Nick with complete respect.
One evening, Nick and my close friend went to Nick's house to pick up some material for a political campaign. The phone was ringing, and Nick didn't answer it. His boyfriend became irate, and started to call Nick names which devalued his intelligence.
I believe that Nick deserves much better. I am not saying that I am somebody who could provide any better, but I am saying Nick deserves someone with heart.
Over a text message, I told Nick that I liked him. The purpose of such action was to be denied. I have had many annoying infatuations in the past, and this one didn't seem any different. I knew nothing but dissappointment could come out of it, so it is best if I could end it before it could really develop. I had hoped that Nick would give me a responce that directly denied my infatuation. Unfortuanatly he hadn't. The infatuation persists, but with him absent from my daily life, I hope to slowly forget.
I would like to be Nick's friend, but I couldn't do so with an infatuation. If the infatuation continued, it would only grow, leaving me heart broken. I don't want to be the one to jeopardize their relationship. If Nick and his boyfriend are truefully happy and in love, I hope that they stay together.
Jesse and I got into a debate about my action on telling a man in a long-term relationship that I was attracted to him. Jesse doesn't understand my position, and he really upset me. It is not often that I develop an infatuation, and they are often hard to control. I knew that this one would only lead to dissappointment, so I did what I had to end it quickly. After I got a response from Nick, I even thanked him for understanding.
I know that I am a good guy, and I am extremely young for my experience. I do not get along well with the stereotypical gay who is my age; most of which are superficial boys. The majority of my infatuaions have been with guys who are older than me. Nick is about eight years older, yet I felt as though we developed good rapport. As I age, I know that my chances of finding somebody with heart will increase. I haven't any need to be in a relationship now, and so I will continue my celibate lifestyle until some good-hearted guy comes along.
10:01 AM
