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Saturday, August 05, 2006

Brian had texted me the day previous, asking if I wanted to go to a drive in movie. Because I have never been, I was excited. I packed up my new Spiderman backpack with Mambas (the best candy in the world), and a pillow. I drove to their house (almost in Magna, Ugh!!!), and then knocked on the door.

It was initially supposed to be Jessie, Brian, Scott, and I, but at the last moment, Scott's boyfriend, Ken, decided to come. Jesse made it a point to make me feel outcasted, because I was the one who was not in a relationship. Being a fifth wheel didn't bother me, though when Jesse made it painfully obvious, I began to feel somewhat uncomfortable.

We ate spaghetti, and went outside to go to the theatre. Before I could get into the car, Jesse made fun of me for my Spiderman backpack, and called me a "Retard." I hate that word when used derogatively.

I went with Scott and Ken. Scott had a blonde moment and told Ken to drive in the wrong direction. When we realized what he had done, Scott was embarrassed. It was really funny.

Jesse called and told us that the movie had been canceled due to a rain warning. Instead of the theatre, we drove to Hollywood Video and rented a movie. It was not really a movie that I wanted to see, yet I was asked to pay for it. I did without hesitating because Jesse provided dinner and Scott provided dessert. It seemed fair that I provide the entertainment.

When we got to Jesse's house, a severe lightning storm began. Instead of watching the movie right away, we went to a place where we could better see the lighting and stayed for about an hour. Jesse took this awesome photo.

We went back to Jesse's house and began watching the movie. I was really bored and began to fall asleep. Jesse made it obvious that I was lying on the ground while the two couples cuddled on the couches. Jesse suggested that I cuddle with Titus, which I did, until Titus wanted to get it on with my arm.

Being that I fell asleep through the movie, and I had a dog trying to get off on my arm, I really wanted to go home. I was kind of upset that it took a good hour before Jesse did anything about Titus. If their dog was a child, that child would get away with murder.

By the time Jesse put Titus in his cage, it was too late. I was out the door and ready to fall asleep in my own bed.

The highlight of the night was the lightning. Being there with friends was a positive experience. The lowlight: Titus’s lipstick.

When I have the time and I need to run some errands, I prefer to walk. I walked through downtown, interested in renting a movie from Redbox so that I can watch it while I paint. I rented V for Vendenna (which I saw in the dollar theatre with Megan, and I really enjoyed). I continued to shop at Smith's, for anything random. I found a Spiderman backpack, and I have always wanted one.


Spiderman is one of my heroes because, in my opinion, he is the only superhero which follows his heart with every action. He is a superhero because he does not want others to grieve over the loss of their loved one's, such as he did with his uncle, and he would do anything for his love, Mary Jane. He is a true romantic, yet he knows the dangers of being in a relationship, and thus, he supresses his desire.

Spiderman used to be a normal guy, and because of this, he is flawed. What makes him so great is the fact that he overcomes the human flaw and is not tempted by becoming a bad guy in search of valuables or power. Spiderman fights for only good, while Batman fights for revenge, and Superman was born a superhero. This makes them inferior, though superman is a great superhero, he is not faced with the moral delemma of mortality.

I bought the backpack, though it is very juvenile. I wore it that night to Brian and Jesse's house. I will continue this incident in another entry.

I do not know and clearly understand what mind-set I am currently in.

I am currently stressed because I know that college is about to begin again, and once it does, I no longer have a life. I still have many goals for the summer, and I am trying to cram them in at the last minute. I would like to finish reading at least three books, finish my painting, and start studying for my classes before class begins. I just bought my shcool books and they cost $450.oo. That is increditably expensive. I also have to start making flyers and prepare for my coming out meeting. I am hoping for a good attendence this year. I would like a social life and time to relax, but I know I won't have it.

In order to get the most done before the end of summer, I have agreed to work grave shift, starting Aug. 10th, until the beginning of school. This way, the time I am at work can be spent doing something productive.

I hate to admit the fact that I want a companion. It has been too long since I have felt attracted to another, and I fear that I have lost all of my hope in finding love. It is true that I have developed some infatuations this summer, but they were only one-sided and I never felt a true attraction. I painfully admit that I put a profile on connexion.org. I do not surround myself with gay men on a daily basis, and therefore, I have little chance of finding a connection.

Hoping for something to come out of connexion.org has probably just weakend my self-esteem. I usually have very high and indestructible self-esteem, where I am the only person who can break it down. I have been doing so lately, because I have said hello to probably 10 people, who I assume have depth and compassion, yet I havn't gotten a single response. I have questioned whether or not I am an attractive person, and I have questioned who I am. I shouldn't have to.

I hope that somebody comes along, who realizes that I am more than just a body and a face, and I hope that they give me the opportunity to show them how great of a person I can be. My age shouldn't be a factor, but I can not wait until I turn 20 in four months. Once that two is in front of my age, I feel like I can finally be associated with men who are older and more mature. My age will become less significant.

Monday, July 31, 2006

For those who know me, or have read the entire contents of my blog, they know I was raised in Wyoming. Consequently, I have a little cowboy inside of me.



I went back to Wyoming with my sister to go to a bluegrass festival. I wasn't so thrilled to go, but to dress as a cowboy seemed tempting. On went the cowboy hat.

I wish I had pictures, but I forgot my memory card to my camera. So, here is the description of my weekend...

• Drive.
• Stop in Evanstan and look at buffalo.
• Continue driving in vast emptiness.
• Bored.
• Arrive and love my childhood (now very old) dog.
• Tell my family I am fasting so they don't try to stuff food down my throat (as they usually do).
• Wait around and read my book.
• Put on my cowboy hat and head down to Triangle park in Kemmerer, WY, where the festival is held, and where I grew up.
  
• Watch people who sang for the soundtrack of "O' Brother Where Art Thou."
• See some people who made me nervous cause they know I am gay, and they are homophobic.
• Have an anxiety attack and go back to my parents.
• Sleep.
• Go home.

What a fun weekend.

I have recently been attempting a fast. It was initially supposed to last a minimum of a week, but after day three, I lost my self-control. I am starting over.

When I first started fasting, I didn't know what it was that incited me to do it. After reading Gandhi, I knew that it was mostly for spiritual reasoning and not vanity (though vanity was an influence, and knowing this, I didn't want to fast. The spiritual reasoning exceeded the vanity, so I am fasting anyway.)

After day two, I realized what had influenced me to do it. I will soon be in Africa helping people who suffer. I can not give the maximum amount of empathy without knowing what these people are going through, and many, including children, are starving. I need to know and understand how they suffer. This will make me more compassionate.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Megan and I went to see Pink Floyd's The Wall. It was the first time that I have seen it, so even though it was held at the tower theatre during midnight, I went.

Before the movie, we went to coffee garden, and we watched Charles Milne, the director of the LBGT Resorce Center at the U of U, flamboyantly clean up the shop. I was surprised to learn that he worked there part time. Charles Milne and manual labor do not belong in the same sentence.

I had to work at 6:00 AM the next morning. For some reason, going to this movie threw off my entire sleep pattern, and I have been exhausted and fatigued for a whole week now (as you can tell I am catching up on my blog entries).

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

A couple days ago, I helped put political stickers on flags for Pioneer Day parade. While doing so, Megan and I watched The Notebook and I cried. We also watched And the Band Played On, which gave me a different view of Robert Gallo which had previously been so bias due to reading his book called Virus Hunting: AIDS, Cancer, and the Human Retrovirus. I now consider Don Francis more of a humanitarian and a hero.

I then helped pass out Leslie Reberg's flags, and we parked right in front of the home where Destiny Norton was reported missing. That night, she was found dead only a couple of houses away. It scared me to think I was so close to a killer and a dead body.

I had to work the evening of Pioneer Day, and I never really thought of such a day as a holiday. I rode the bus to work, not realizing it was on holiday schedule. When my shift had ended, I was stuck in CottonWood with no way to get home. I tried my sister who refused because she was asleep and had to wake up at 3 AM to be at work by 5. I thought of my friends, and I was too stubborn to call some, but I asked a few. I got no positive responce, so I started the 15 mile walk.

I didn't actually just walk. I'd say I ran at least five miles that night. I took Highland Road, and I made it from Fort Union Blvd to Sugerhouse in a little under two hours. By then, a friend I had texted, called. She agreed to pick me up at Red Lobster in Sugarhouse. I was relieved because my legs where numb, and that night I had traveled at least 10 miles by foot.

Pioneer Day was not such a great day.

It has been a while since I blogged, and it is due to the fact that I have picked up so many extracurricular activities that I haven't had the time.

The reason that I have picked up so many activities is because I would be bored if I hadn't. My mind has to be constantly running, and I can't be satisfied with idle thoughts. Such thoughts would ultimately turn negative, due to the fact that I feel alone (not only in the sense that I don't have somebody romantically or in the sense that I feel like most of my friendships are superficial, but mostly because I am so different and unique that nobody even compairs.)

I am not being conceded or vain when I say that I think that I am awesome. I have gone through so many things for my age, and when I think about who I have become today, I love myself. The person who most people view today is weird by society's standards. It is due to the fact that I think with depth which compels me to challenge life. Such thinking has lead to becoming an ascetic, a person who renounces worldly pleasures in the search for spiritual growth, a vegan, an artist, a person who cherishes philosophy, and a person trying to learn about politics, in the hope to later bring about social reform so that the American population, in general, cares more about aiding those who suffer than materialism and war. "You may say I'm dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

It would be nice to not be viewed as so different, whereas my ambitions, values, and morals only bring good. It would be nice to find somebody who saw all of this, and who was just as awesome.

So... getting back to how I have been spending my time...

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I shave my head.




Some spontaneous change in my life keeps it running in the forward direction. Shaving my head allows me to feel like I am disassociated from the rest of the gay community. This is something I currently need due to the fact that I am ever longing for somebody to love. I am trying to ween myself from this feeling of longing. Life is too short to live in a constant search. I need to focus on the beauty of life, and then, if love comes my way, appreciate it.

I assume it makes me look more masculine, and I believe I look half decent.

Friday, July 14, 2006

About a week ago, I had made the conscious decision to refrain from any sexual activity. This is due on part because of religious exploration.

It has been quite some time since I engaged in sexual relations with another individual. I have come to the conclusion that I wish to refrain from such practice until I am well into a committed and loving relationship. This would conclude my choice of celibacy, but I am going one step beyond such a committment. I wish to refrain from all forms of sexually pleasuring myself. In doing so, I wish to develop a more obvious recognization between lust and love.

I find the temptation of looking at the bodies of other individuals superficial. Such superficial acts dawn upon my heart the weight of sin, though I don't necessarily believe in such sin. When I use such images or thoughts, I often feel like I have corrupted my mind, which leads to feelings of impurity.

My decision is strongly influenced by Gandhi's practice of Brahmacharya. Though I do not believe in any particular religion, I do believe in the philosophies conceded within. I believe that renunciaton of certain desires in life devouts the mind to a more spiritual observation, and is necessary for myself to reach religious enlightenment.

My committment, I hope, is to last a year.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

I have always wanted to learn us much as I can about world cultures. Theology is a very important influence on culture, and so I have made a goal to read the texts of most major religions.

Today, I bought:

The Holy Bible


Sent in for a free copy of the Book of Mormon



The Qur' an



A Buddhist Bible


The


and Gandhi's Selected Writings

After I am done with all of this reading, I would still like to buy the Hindu Veda's, which I couldn't find, and then religious texts on Judaism. I would then like to focus on more philosophical religions/philosophies such Trancendentalism, Ancient Greek and Stoic philosophies, Confucianism, Shinto, Tenrikyo, Taoism, Zen, and Baha'i.

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